


Divergence

by Halmaithor



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Alec Lightwood, Autistic Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Future Fic, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Neurodiversity, autistic author, supportive husbands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:13:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27110260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halmaithor/pseuds/Halmaithor
Summary: If Madzie hadn't taken an interest in psychology, Magnus thinks he might never have figured it out.She sends him a list, one day, with an attached message that says:Read this and thought it was interesting. Because I may be wrong, but does some of this seem familiar to you?The list is titledBeneath the Mask: Autism Away From the Stereotypes.In which Magnus and Alec come to some realizations.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 42
Kudos: 184
Collections: Autistic Alec Lightwood





	Divergence

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this is one of those heavy-projection fics, lol, as well as another one of my increasingly-common 'had an idea, wrote it in one go' ventures. ^^ I've been wanting to write the first half of this for a while in SOME capacity, but then I thought about the ending scene today and the rest just kind of crystallised around it, if that makes sense. 
> 
> Two things:   
> 1) This fic is set around 12 years post-canon.   
> 2) In case it's not obvious during the fic, I'll write a run-down of how autism presents in each character in the end notes. 
> 
> Please enjoy! <3

If Madzie hadn't taken an interest in psychology, Magnus thinks he might never have figured it out.

She sends him a list, one day, with an attached message that says: _Read this and thought it was interesting. Because I may be wrong, but does some of this seem familiar to you?_  
The list is titled _Beneath the Mask: Autism Away From the Stereotypes._

Magnus reads through it, sees _troubles with empathy_ and _prone to social overload_ and _hyperfixation._  
And he thinks _Oh. That actually makes a lot of sense._

  
Alec comes home that evening, and after they've said their hellos, Magnus approaches him with a gentle smile. 'Darling, I read something today that I think might be worth looking into. What do you know about autism?'

***

Madzie meets him for coffee a few weeks later.

'Oh, sweetpea - thank you for sending that list, by the way,' he says. 'Alec said to tell you it's been very helpful.' He smiles fondly. Alec's seemed... more at peace, even in the relatively short time since they figured this out. Sometimes he'll stop mid-sentence and interrupt himself, exclaiming, _That's why! God, it makes so much more_ sense _now -_ and Magnus feels his husband's relief at finally having an _explanation_ like a weight's been lifted from his own shoulders, too.

But Madzie's looking at him a little oddly. 'I'm glad Alec said that, but what about you? Did you find it helpful?'   
'Of course,' Magnus reassures her. 'Knowing that Alec's autistic makes it much easier for me to support him. I know what to look for now.'   
Madzie's eyes widen. 'Oh,' she says quietly. 'Oh, so - actually, yeah, I can see that. Alec's autistic.'   
'...Yes, we think so,' Magnus says slowly, frowning over his coffee cup. 'I thought you did too. Why else would you send me that list?'

And Madzie brings up the list on her phone, points to _black-and-white thinking_ and highlights _stimming_ and clarifies that _empathy issues_ can mean _more_ empathy than is typical, not just less.

And for the second time that month, Magnus thinks, _Oh.  
That actually makes a lot of sense. _

***

It's easier, after that.

  
When Alec feels low and doesn't know why, Magnus helps him trace back through his day, points out factors that might have added up to his bad mood and gives him a name to put to his feelings.

  
Max comes home and runs up to Magnus with a handprint-based art project to do; and when Magnus sees the tiny bottles of acrylic paint and immediately balks, Alec steps in to help in his place without a second thought, apparently not bothered by the friction of dried paint on skin that makes Magnus cringe just _thinking_ about it.

  
Magnus keeps an eye out when they're summoned to the uptight social events that go hand-in-hand with politics. He becomes an expert in spotting the moment Alec's eyes start to glaze, in noticing when Alec’s sentences become shorter and more distracted. Magnus takes that as his cue to suggest that they make their excuses and call it a night - usually, to great relief, as the prompting helps Alec to recognize his own incoming overload, too.

  
One thing Magnus is particularly grateful for is the nights he comes home and launches into a diatribe about a client or associate - one who's been rude or dismissive or underwhelmed with Magnus' (objectively excellent) work - and is met with complete understanding, the compliments and reassurance he feels weak for needing but desperately, _desperately_ can't deny himself.

Because like it or not, he _does_ need them. Because when Alec says _they're obviously morons, then,_ Magnus' heart hears _I've got your back._   
_You're the best at what you do_ becomes _You're worthwhile._   
_Whatever happens next, we'll still love you_ becomes _You matter._

And then Alec will walk over and take Magnus in his arms, tight enough that Magnus can just _let go_ and feel himself being soldered back together, utterly safe and calm and happy.

  
Which is why, perhaps, he's so surprised when one afternoon, Alec asks him a question in a strangely quiet voice.

'Magnus, am I a good person?'

  
They're lying on the bed, Magnus half-sprawled over his husband as they take a moment to rest after a hectic week, and he lifts his head in surprise. 'What? Alexander, of course you are. What made you think otherwise?'   
'I don't know,' Alec says dismissively. 'I just... everyone always says that stuff about kindness, like - _show a little empathy. Put yourself in their shoes. Oh, she's great, she's such an empathetic person,_ and I - I can't _do_ that kind of thing,' he says frustratedly. 'And I tried, when I was younger, I tried to make it happen and it just - _didn't._ I can understand, if someone explains it to me, tells me what happened - but I don't _get_ it.'   
He runs his free hand - the one not currently held hostage between both of Magnus' - through his hair in agitation. 'I just... don't get it,' he finishes quietly.

And ironically, this is perhaps the one thing Magnus will never get himself. Because some days, it feels like he's so pent up with emotions - the nuances of hurt and joy and disappointment and calm - that he feels like he might burst, exploding out into a firework of his own feelings and others'. It's nearly destroyed him, in the past; heedlessly and constantly taking on the knowledge of other people’s problems in an attempt to help, until suddenly he turned around and realized that he was a husk of his former self, detached from the world and no good to anyone until he took the time to crawl back out of the hole he'd unwittingly dug.

But despite their differences in this regard, he knows his husband, and he knows his answer. 'Of course you're a good person, Alexander,' he says again. 'You don't need emotional empathy for that - honestly, I'm not sure you'd even need cognitive empathy. You're kind, and just, and compassionate. You consider your actions carefully, and then do what you think is right - what you think will best help other people.' He smiles, before resettling on Alec's chest. 'If there exists any meaningful definition of a ‘good person’, that would be my best guess at it.'

Under Magnus' head, Alec's chest rises and falls as he sighs. 'I don't know how I got so lucky as to have you,' he murmurs, his arm coming down to wrap around Magnus' back, his breath gently disturbing Magnus' hair as he presses a kiss to the top of his head.

Magnus hums in contentment, closing his eyes. 'I was just thinking the same thing.'   
  


**Author's Note:**

> So, to clarify, in this fic: 
> 
> Alec's autism presents as/with - low emotional empathy, social overload, fixations (mentioned), and (appropriately) alexithymia (or ALEX-ithymia, hehe ^^ ).
> 
> Magnus' autism presents as/with - black-and-white thinking (mentioned), physical stimming (mentioned), hyperempathy, sensory issues (primarily textural), and rejection-sensitive dysphoria. (I did used to think he had alexithymia, too, but not so much anymore. Also, I'm pretty sure he hyperfixates, but I didn't cover that here.) 
> 
> Now, not all of these symptoms are my own - so if there's an issue with how low emotional empathy (note: not cognitive) or RSD (which I MIGHT have but I'm not sure) are represented here, please let me know and I'll try to adjust things accordingly. <3 
> 
> Thanks for reading, do please let me know what you thought! ^^   
> Find me on tumblr: silver-latin-and-salt.tumblr.com 
> 
> p.s. The list I mentioned isn't real, unfortunately, it's just inspired by the fact that my mum (who had her suspicions) sending me a list of how autism presents in cis girls was how I figured myself out :)


End file.
